Secrets
by Raigon
Summary: Raphael has a secret that can not be told. A secret that is the reason why he always goes off a lone. The reason why he rants and rave. A secret that is the cause of his rage. A secret that he has held onto for so long that the weight of it has become like a second shell. A secret that is now threaten to be expose.
1. Chapter 1

**Secrets**

by: Raigon

_(Raphael has a secret that can not be told. A secret that is the reason why he always goes off a lone. The reason why he rants and rave. A secret that is the cause of his rage. A secret that he has held onto for so long that the weight of it has become like a second shell. A secret that is now threaten to be expose.)_

It was cold …so cold …as the snow fell from the sky. Sprinkles of white upon the ground that made the world seem to glow in the moonlight. It was so pretty,b ut, it couldn't cover up the ugliness that rest underneath. The grime and dirt of people that would kill each other over scrapes of paper. It was so hard to understand them, they had everything he didn't, and on a night like this …he had found he had given up even trying.

Blood marks his trail.

He had thought to stay below at first. He had thought to hide out in the sewer where the cold would end his misery without risk to his family. Yet, he couldn't do that to them …he couldn't simply disappear and not show back up. He couldn't just go away, but the hot feeling inside made him want to curl up into a knot and die. It made everything seem so utterly worthless and it made him feel so sick and horrible that death didn't seem so bad.

He had a secret.

A secret he never told.

A secret he feared to expose.

A secret that made his rage spiral out of control.

A secret that had him outside in the cold.

He couldn't go home.

Not yet, but, he couldn't stay here either. He is a turtle, and in the cold of night …the dropping temperature threatens to fulfill his dreams. He wouldn't last the night, but he couldn't go home. He is a mutant, he couldn't go somewhere else either. The warmth of the city, that shimmering gem, was full of wicked people. People that would hurt him if given a chance. People that would scream at him, because he is different. People that could never accept him.

He had a secret.

A secret he can never tell.

He is a secret.

Life just isn't fair.

Raphael age nine would turn away from the city. Turn his back on the world, and sneak back into the sewers, but he didn't head home. He couldn't go there. He would find warmth somewhere else, because humans left their trappings everywhere. A small control room …it had a small space heater that someone had left behind. He hooked it up, and for the next three days that is where he reside.

Hungry and loneliness eventually sent him home.

It was needless to say …Master Splinter wasn't please.

But, Raphael had a secret.

One he dared not tell.

It left a trail of red behind in his wake.

It caused a terrible ache.

It was something that they could never understand.

It was his secret, and he would not share.


	2. Chapter 2

Twelve years old, it happen again.

Leo and Raphael were sparring. Their weapons were bright and new, and for a moment the red banded turtle was happy. The world for once seemed to have sided with him. Then it happen, a twist, a slip, and then his own sai went flying into space. Their dance ended, but he wasn't mad. They both had tried their best, and Leo only smiled happily at his own success. Raphael was satisfied with his own. He had the shorter weapons afterall,and the fact that he could trap, hold, and lock weapons much longer than his own meant that he had gain a new mastery of it.

Thus, they both turned to their father with grins on their faces. Their expectations high of the praise they would both receive.

"Retrieve your Sai, Raphael. A ninja do not simply discard their weapons, but must make every effort to retrieve them so as not to leave a trace."

Master Splinter's first words held no praise but a scold for a simple mistake.

In Raphael's mind, it was no big deal. He went to retrieve his weapon. A single error, but surely it would not be enough for him to overlook all the gains. Surely his father would remember to praise, but, with weapons in hand and standing side by side with his sibling …those words he wished to hear …never came. Leo got the praise, he deserved it. He got tips on how to better use his weapon, everyone expected that. Raphael got the tips, but the praise never came. His eyes that had been lock on his father suddenly started to blur.

Yet, he would not shed the tears.

He would not.

It twist his inside.

It made him want to scream.

His blood started to boil.

He became cold and hot at once.

Raphael knew from experience what was happening to him. He needed to let the blood out, but he dare not do it in front of his family. He dare not let them see, and thus, with a roar and shove to his brother that deserve neither he turned and fled the lair. He threw blame at his brother for being too good. He pushed him hard to make it clear that he was the problem here. But he was neither, it was a distraction for he dare not push Master Splinter. He dare not yell at their father, and thus, he rush out the room. His sai still tightly in his hands as he fled the lair. His father's command in his ears, his brother's hurt look on his back, and the puzzlement of his two other siblings followed him. Yet none stop him, none halted him, and by now Raphael knew where to go. Unless something had changed, the little human trapping beckon him there and with everyone too stun to chase after the young turtle he was able to get away cleanly. He went to his secret hideaway and there he let it out.

His sais …first blood would be his own.

But it didn't matter, it felt good to let it out.

Yet, it hurt in it's own ways. He would curl up into a ball, and in the darkness groan and ache with pain. Pain that somehow brought relief, pain that somehow made him feel better even though it hurt so bad he wanted to die.

It was a bitter sweet thing.

He was suppose to be a ninja.

He was suppose to leave no trace.

Yet, he left evidence in this darken place.

This was his secret place.

Three days he stay away.

On one of those days he heard his own name.

They were searching for him, but he can not let himself be found.

He stay in the darkness as his blood ran down. He let it drip as it flow with the beating of his own heart. Fear made him wonder if they can hear the sound, but they neither notice nor said a thing. They moved onwards, and thus, when he felt the blood had stop. When the hot and cold was dull and his blood no longer boiled. When hunger made itself known ..he left his hiding place, and make sure his Sais were clean of blood ….before he went home.

This time he did not avoid punishment.

But it was worth it.

Or at least he thought, until he looked at his best friend. Until, Leo turned his gaze on him, and instead of love and acceptance and friendship …he saw cold fury and irritation and barely contain sorrow.

He ran away for three days.

He let him think it was his fault.

Their relationship would never be the same.

It was all the blood's fault.


	3. Chapter 3

Age Fifteen, his brothers have notice his change.

They looked at the long wrappings on his arms with questions in their eyes, and Raph notice that his father when they train didn't miss a chance to grab him tightly there. He wanted to see if he would yelp, if he would indicate what they must guess is underneath. They were looking for wounds and in some way his secret they were trying to expose. But, he is a train ninja, and he had learned long ago …that distraction is a weapon as useful as his own sai.

The blood had beckon him a few days ago, and he had had no choice but to answer the call.

Yet, with everything happening, there was no way he could stay away so long. Three days he couldn't leave his family alone, and thus, he had come back home after just day one. That meant they could smell the blood on him …they would know what he had done. Thus, he had no choice.

He wrap his arms tightly and distracted from the real source of the blood.

He hope it would work.

This secret he couldn't afford to let out.

He had hidden it too long.

It's all he had ever known.

They wouldn't understand.

Thus, he didn't yelp when grabbed …though pain radiated down his spine. He turned his scowl on them, though he didn't feel the anger only the flashes of heat and cold. He moved as swiftly as they thought he should, though his legs felt like leaden weights. 2 hours, their training normally only lasted 1, of torture, but he took it all in strides. His father's eyes on him, his brother in blue looking for him to slip up, and the one in purple barely containing his concern. Yet, he gave them no indication of what they feared, and without proof they dare not push him.

It was dangerous for him to go off alone.

They all knew this.

They knew he would flee if pushed.

How come only the one in orange missed this?

Then again, Mikey never seem to sense the tension in the room. He was immune to serious issues that seem to circulate around. That isn't to say he didn't recognize it when its shove into his face, but that it had to be shoved in his face for him to notice it. Thus, when the training came to an end, a smile was on his face. The dance his brothers and father had made around his arms …Mikey tackled head on.

The words an earnest joke.

"So, what's with the new fashion sense?"

The question something that everyone wanted to know.

It put Raphael on the spot as he looked at the wrappings on his arms. His mind buzzing with answers to an question he had tried hard to avoid. He couldn't tell them nothing, because, that would prompt more questioning. He couldn't say it is a wound, because, they would insist that Donnie take care of it. He couldn't claim that he just wanted a change, because, that would lead to more probing and future teasing. Thus, he harden his expression and he glared.

Only one answer to give.

He would scowl though his heart was fluttering in barely contain fear.

"None of your damn business."The words harsh as his brother flinch. Misunderstanding flashing in his face, brothers didn't act that way. He had done nothing to deserve such treatment, and thus, Master Splinter intervene. Anger in his eyes, words that cut and lashed, his avoidance force Master Splinter to act. His words created a gap that would force everyone to keep their distance and by the end of it …he was banished to his room.

It was the only way out.

It was what Raph wanted.

A command that isolated him.

An exit that he needed.

He felt the blood running down his inner thigh, but no one looked beyond his shelled back. His blood was beckoning. He felt the need to answer, but he dare not leave the lair. Being restricted to his room …he would have to clean up the evidences, but he had no choice …but to answer the call.

At least his outburst would give him the privacy.

His secret remain his.

Though at what price?


	4. Chapter 4

Day would eventually turn to night, and Raphael adhered to his isolation.

He skip dinner.

In the dark, blood would pool. He couldn't risk the splatters, so he had tuck himself into his hammock. Blood wouldn't touch the floor, though he discovered he had left a bit of a trail prior to entering his room. The blood running down his thigh made him glad that his color green was dark and not the light of his younger brother. IF they had seen, he dreaded the answer, but they did not see, and what he left behind was evidences that didn't put him in danger.

They were ninja.

Shinobi.

Droplets on the floor is a common occurrence.

He hadn't left enough to cause concern.

Though the amount he was releasing now.

He had put a towel underneath himself to catch it all. It was only pure luck that he always kept one here. He could explain away a bloody towel. He had been mad enough that he might have hit a wall with his bare fist or simply overdid it with his punching bag. Blood in the hammock, would have to be hidden and eventually washed, because, the stain would start to smell. The only washing machine was in the common rooms, and that could lead to discovery. He couldn't risk discovery, and so, he tucked the towel underneath him. He protected the bed, he protected the floor, and all the evidence left behind he could explain away.

It was the perfect crime.

Knock, Knock.

A move too quickly, a slip, and then pain that spiral out of control.

Raphael shut his eyes against the pain, and grit his teeth. His lower region flared with agony, as his stomach cramp in such a way as to make him want to curl himself into a ball. He would have scream out, but, that would give everything away and so he rode the pain in silences. It always hurt when the blood needed releasing. He always knew this, but, this time ..it was much worst than anything he had felt before. Had he done something wrong to himself? It took a few minutes for pain to fade and for the relief to take its place.

It hurt, but no harm done.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

It was much louder and more urgent now. Raph couldn't leave the hammock in the shape he is in, so he shouted his acknowledgement.

"Yea, what'd you want?"

"Raphael, you skip lunch and dinner. Master Splinter didn't mean for you to fast as part of your punishment, so, I am just here to let you know your isolation is over. He said it's enough. You can come out and watch a movie with us if you want."

Leo, it was an honest invitation, and one, that would lead to trouble and discovery. He was trying to mend fences his brother, but this one wasn't broken …it was rotten clean through. There was no salvation for him, no way to fix it, and thus, he answered accordingly.

"No, I am fine."

The sigh was audible through the door.

Was it on purpose? Did they miss him in attendances that much?

Then silences.

His brother was gone, and left with no other distractions …Raphael continued where he left off.

Two days down.


	5. Chapter 5

Morning came, and time was up.

His isolation was over.

One more day, and it wouldn't have matter. One more day, he would have been free, but, he didn't have a day. He didn't have a hour, just a few minutes as he left his room. The smell of food that was cooking told him his options of staying in were non-existing. His youngest brother was trying to entice his family to sit together, and that meant, even if it had to be force it would happen. No one wanted to disappoint the youngest when he cooked breakfast. Besides, he had missed lunch and dinner the other day, and to miss another meal would invite their intrusion. Though he felt he could handle it, if possible, he would rather avoid it. Thus he was on his way to another battle ground.

Each step painful, but he school his features not to show.

Closer and closer, he felt the tension though he didn't yet cross the threshold.

They knew he was coming.

The pain made his steps heavy.

Damn it!

That would eventually lead to uncomfortable questions, and he would have to find a source for his anger. Then again, he could always be unreasonable.

Time's up.

Raphael would enter the kitchen and sit down silently. No one expected much talk, the mornings were always like this, but, it was hard to keep it that way when one looked at the dark green turtle. His arm was bandage from wrist to elbow yesterday, and today, it went all the way to his shoulder. It was a jarring change, and one that made the purple mask brother stop almost in mid speech. Their father's ears would twitch as he sat at the table already eating and their eldest brother would actually hiss into the silences that followed. Even Mikey would realize something was horribly wrong this time as he was quick to attract the eye of his purple masked brother. Donatello didn't know what do, or even to say. The wounds underneath, the wounds that could possibly be underneath scared him, especially when he thought about the cause or who place them there.

Was he self harming?

Everyone had tried to ignore it. Hope it was a phase, but it was getting worst …and what had triggered it? Two days ago, he had been fine, and then one morning …he had disappeared and returned late evening wearing wrist bands made of bandages. They had seen it and ignore it, but it continue to grow and with it their own unease and imagination became worse. Yet, Raph wasn't the one to simply ask what's wrong? Raphael would bristles, he growls, and when trapped …he runs. It was not good for him to run now, the sewer was flooded with humans, and thus, they were all struck staying hidden. They was forced to keep their encounters civil, too much noise was bad. Their red mask brother did not always think before he acts, and they could not afford to slip up. Their lives depend on it, and thus, their unease had grown and they had feared gaining relief.

This morning, those bandages beg that that they bring this all to an end.

Donatello knows he should let well enough alone. He knew the risk. He calculated the probabilities. But, this was his brother, and because it was his brother, the numbers didn't matter. He would bet it all, he would risk it, for his family.

"Good morning, Raphael. Umm…can I ask, what happen to your arms?"

He tried to keep the fear out of his voice as he asked, and those green eyes would raise up to meet his. His movements slow and deliberate as he reaches for his food as if he was thinking about ignoring the question, and knowing him, he probably was. Though he would sigh lightly and finally decide against it, he would open his mouth to speak, and though it was only Donnie he was addressing …everyone would be listening.

Raphael groan.

He knew he should have stayed in bed.

"Nothing, I am fine."

Those words were heard, rejected, and one conclusion accepted. He would have to push for answers.

"You are covering more area of your arm then yesterday."

Donnie would prompt.

"I know, I put them there."Raphael respond.

"Why?"The question simple.

"Because …"

That wasn't really an answer.

"Because of what?"

Those green eyes would flash in rage as he glare at his brother. A demand to drop it, seem to roar across the room, without a word being spoken. Donnie knew, he was pushing buttons no one wanted to tread and that to do so could explode in his face. Yet, this is his brother, and he would risk it for him as he met those eyes with his own defiances. Time pass, and the was staring continued with Donnie's resolve wilting by the second until finally he found himself lowering his eyes. He couldn't force it out of him.

"Yes, Raphael because of what? We all want to know."

A second voice would relieve him of the burden. Leonardo's voice and those cold blue eyes would catch and hold his green eye brother's. Raph's eyes would narrow dangerously as he stood up all at once, and somehow no one misses the wince or the way he seem to slump a bit before he catches himself to stand tall. He was in pain, and when mix with anger it was never good.

"What do you want?! I was sent to my room."

He growled angrily.

" I stay there and didn't make a peep, and I come to breakfast to eat and get the third degree because of it. So, what if I have more wrappings on my arms? It's no one damn business, why? You didn't ask Mikey why he was going around with human underwear on for a week, and you didn't bother Donnie when he started to wear goggles. Then a week ago, when Leo's sported a headband. Yet, me, if I change one little thing, it becomes a family Q &amp; A session."

He growled in their faces. Rage showed within, but inside he was proud of his ability to think on his feet. He hadn't plan on those words when he stood up, but he was glad that they came out. For it left Leo gasping like a fish, and Donatello looking towards the table as Mikey would scratch his head, and Master Splinter seem to take a few more moments to take in the sight of his red mask son. Yet, he remain quiet. Maybe, he finally had knocked them off the trail.

"Then, there is no other way to ask this than."

The elder rat would speak as he drew their attention towards him.

"Your brothers ask those questions out of concern, and I have them as well. If we can not use tact to ask you, then I shall be direct. Are you hurting yourself?"

That stop the world around him.

Raphael looked at his father and his mouth open slightly.

The world seem to rotate slowly, tilting just a bit on it's axis more than normal. He felt like his balance was gone. If any of his siblings had asked him that, he could rant and rave. If Leo had asked him that, he would had stomp out of the room and shut the door in his face, but this is Master Splinter. His father, so when he asked, it made Raph gulp a bit.

A lie wouldn't survive.

He couldn't throw a fit.

There was no way out of this.

He would have to give an answer, and at this moment his wit was failing him. His eyes would lock on his father. Time was running out, and the only thing running through his mind. His only answer.

He should have stayed in bed.


	6. Chapter 6

(I had to rewrite this, it was awful the first time around)

Time is ticking.

What should he say?

Time is ticking.

He can't give himself away.

Time is ticking.

They won't wait long.

Yet, there is no right answers, only wrong.

His sensei, his father, asked him, did he hurt himself? The answer should have obviously been no, but, the answer wasn't that black and white. The blood that secretly ran from under his tail made that clear. Nothing was so simple, nor if his secret was reveal ….would ever be simple again. So, he was left with only one choice, he diverted his eyes looking to the side and away from their staring faces. He would admit to nothing, say nothing.

Nothing from nothing, equals nothing right?

Another mistake, though he recognize this one as he was shove forcefully against the wall. The sound of a scraping chair hadn't given enough of a forewarning to help him avoid this fate. His father's whiskers inches from his face as he felt it tickle his nose just a bit. He could remember as a child how he had loved it when his father tickle their noses with his whiskers, but that wasn't the case now. Now, there was nothing safe or innocent about this encounter as he looks into his father's eyes and saw only rage within.

"Hamato Raphael, you will answer the question. ARE you hurting yourself?"

Silences.

He couldn't, wouldn't answer him.

Raphael knew what would happen next. He had lived his entire life with his rat father, and he could easily pinpoint, when he had pushed too far. Generally, he would reign himself in before it got too far, but this time, it wasn't that simple. There was nothing he could do, no way to avoid it, so, he did the next best thing. When that famous temper that was a rarity for their father radiated around him …Raphael froze and held himself very still. He couldn't extinguish his rage, but he wouldn't give it a target either as he submitted. If only his father knew the price of this knowledge, he would let him go. He would allow everyone to stay ignorant, but at that moment, any such thoughts of what this discovery would mean was beyond him. Master Splinter had always said, that anger is destructive when turn against those that love you. Raphael never really believed until this moment when it was turn against him.

Anger blind one to everything.

Especially to reasoning, as Raph felt air against his arms.

White bandages hit the floor.

It was so fast and effortless, that none of them saw him make the move. In on swift strike, Raphael's arms were lay bare. His green skin was illuminated by the lights of the small kitchen as finally Master Splinter would back away. He would take two shaky steps backwards as everyone's eyes would fall upon those pristine green arms.

Yes, pristine, for there was not a mark on them …that didn't belong.

No scars from cutting, no open wound, nothing.

Everything they had feared, was pure fantasy at that moment, and the ruining of their morning and breakfast rest solely on their own heads.

Raphael glared as Master Splinter's rage deflated and with it the advantage he had had moments before. Raphael no longer had to submit as he let his own temper rage out. In everyone's minds it was now justified, because simple silences had not warrant such an attack. They all knew it, they knew it had gone too far, and Raphael had every plan of rubbing their noses in it.

"Well, I see how much I am trusted and what you really think of me."

He growled out as he turn and left.

He kept it short and sweet.

His back to his brothers, his back to his father, his back to his family as he sought the sanctuary of his room once more.

His plan had worked, and he would give it no chance to fail. Despite the whispering of voices behind him, he would not slow down, he would make good this escape. For he knew, just how close, it had truly been.

"Man, I feel like a heel."

Donatello would reply once he was sure that his red mask brother was out of hearing range.

Leonardo would pat him on the shoulder.

"The way he was acting, and how much time he was spending alone. It wasn't hard to jump to that conclusion, the fact, that we were concern …though. Why did he have to make that so hard? A no would have done well enough."

"He never should have had to answer such a question."

Mikey would cross his arms as he glares at his two brothers.

"I mean I know he is moody, and likes his alone time but really…Self-harm? How did any of you come to that conclusion, especially with me around? There is no way anyone here could be depress, especially enough to start doing something like that."

He scolded as his two older brothers rolled their eyes.

The entire time Master Splinter had remain quiet as he seems to be staring at the ground. He would duck down once to touch something on the ground and then rise again. It was the moment he rose that would catch everyone's attention as all conversation would ground to a halt.

"I still feel there is something that your brother is not telling us. I will talk to him again in his room."

Mikey would open his mouth to protest, but Master Splinter would catch his eye and wisely the orange mask turtle would shut his mouth. This was not to be debated nor were they to eavesdrop on the upcoming conversation either. He left them alone, and no one dared to follow.

In their father's eyes …this matter was not settle, and until it was, they were to stay out of it.

That was the command given, and all of it was said and understood without a word being spoken.

This was between him and Rapheal.


	7. Chapter 7

(If you are reading this and it doesn't make sense, it's because I changed the last chapter. So, please go back and reread the previous chapter and then come back to this one.)

Raphael shut his door as he let it close without making a sound.

He didn't want any more attention at this point.

He wouldn't tempt fate, he had had a close enough call already, but, his ruse had worked. He was safe, they saw for themselves that he was not self-harming. It should put an end to that nonsense, or at least, give him a bit of a reprieve from their questions.

The emerald green turtle would look at his own arms then as he made his way to his hammock. Days of staying under bandages had changed their coloration …making them lighter and paler than the rest of his body. Days, he had spent so much time setting up that one desperate ruse to hide his secret, and it was over in only a matter of seconds.

His mind would flash back to when Master Splinter cut the wrappings free.

What was he going to do now? It wasn't even noon yet, and he was out of tricks to hide his secret.

This was the last day. The last day when his blood called out so strongly, and then everything could go back to normal. Just one lousy day, and he had to figure out some way to hide out until it's done. Raphael doubt the event in the kitchen would be enough to excuse him from mid-day practice, but maybe if he could somehow convince them that he had taken it to heart enough that he didn't want to bother with them.

Would it be enough?

It was a thought, an angle, as he flops on his belly on the hammock. It would sway a bit, but it didn't falter as he tried to think up his new plan. How could he make it to the end of the day without any one discovering his secret? He was so close, so close. Raphael was racking his brains, and with his strain he grew more and more distress. The blood started to call out to him, his stomach aching with it, as he knew he could no more resist it than at the moment solve his problem. All he could do, was simply go with the flow as he would crawl under the cover and position himself well in the hammock. His hands reaching for something in which to aid him in his bloodletting.

Why did this have to happen to him?

Why was he so different?

Did the world hate him?

Did his family?

Would they all be better without him?

The words. The thoughts churn in his head as his body punished him, and he squeeze his eyes shut as he rode the pain in waves, until it grew. The pain grew so large that it swallowed up those thoughts, it drown them, and in that moment …in that pain …he also found relief.

Blessing relief.

Knock …Knock.

"Raphael?"

The pain, the relief was all blown away with the sound of his own name. Fear and dread would quickly take its place as he looks at the door and the silences hung deeply. A simple prayer enter his head. Please let him think the room is empty, please let him decide that I have had enough and leave. The red master turtle, the one that seemed to be without fear, at that moment was completely and utterly terrified as the door knob slowly turns. As his father called his name once more, and in Raph's mind …the world itself …came tumbling down.

Secrets are a hard thing to keep.

What is done in darkness… will one day come to light.


	8. Chapter 8

Blood, it had brought him there.

Standing outside of his son's room.

Unsure where to go next with this, but knowing he couldn't simply let it go.

Blood on his hand.

Blood that confound him so.

He was unsure where next to go, but he couldn't simply let it go.

No answer came from within the room. Silences seems to stretch out endlessly, in a way that seem to be beyond reproach, and there was a part of the rat master that felt wrong for disturbing it. That part was not a father, nor was it one that cared. It could only marvel at such wonders, and for that reason that part of him was pushed back as he press his hands against the door. The knob turning slowly in his hands as he open the door to reveal his son in bed.

Eyes wide open as he looks back at him …with guilt in his eyes.

Though it doesn't last longer than a single breathe before it vanish to be replace with a ferociousness that he could only pray was normally directed at their foes.

"What do you want?"

He growls.

Master Splinter isn't phase as he crosses the room to sit at the edge of his hammock. A ploy that forces the turtle to either scoot over or be sat on. Either way would get his mind for a moment off of the anger as he scrambles to give room without also giving himself away. His rat Master said nothing as he let his legs dangle off of the floor.

Those eyes were observing and searching, but what for?

The red mask turtle could not tell as it seemed to take forever for him to answer that question.

"I came here out of concern for you."

The words were said lightly, but somehow, Raphael felt it had multiply meanings. His concern for him …didn't just mean about his allegations from earlier, but didn't exclude them either. His concern was a double edge sword that borders on being nosey, and he was making it clear that that was what was happening. That Raphael would either satisfied it or he would do that on his own. With or without permission, and despite his own sense of self-perseveration he growled.

Dealing with Splinter around his brothers …wasn't the same alone.

There are limits to what he will do around others and no limits when he is alone.

Raphael was in a very dangerous and delicate situation and he knew it.

Yet, bad habits never die …they grow if you don't make yourself limit them.

So instead of shrinking away, or even taking the time to think about what might happen …he barrel into the situation head first and hope that by taking it by surprise he would gain the upper hand.

"I thought we cover this. There is nothing wrong with me, so you have no need to be concerned. Also, my feelings aren't hurt or nothin'. I am fine, Master Splinter …completely and utterly fine."

He would snap.

Though his father didn't rise to his bait. He was calm as he looks at his son who was still under covers. Not normal, not at all. Intrusion would normally have his red masked son out of bed in a flash, and though his temper was flaring it still wasn't enough to make him remove himself from his bed. There was a reason for that, and it wasn't that he was not mad enough.

Thus, Master Splinter chose the most irritating method with him.

"You left blood on the floor, and you are bleeding in the bed."

Direct confrontation.

Master Splinter was expecting an explosion with those words, instead he only got a shock look that left his son with his mouth wide open.

Thus, he would continue, as he points at his nose.

"A rat's nose is very sensitive. I smelt your blood at the table, found your blood on the floor, and it's quite thick in here …fresh, so I assume you are bleeding now."

"So, where is your wound?"

Silences, from his hot temper son that was never good as he drop his eyes.

What could he say? Master Splinter had figured out so much already, his ruse had failed. What was left? He hadn't plan ahead to this, and his instinct had gone cold …no guidance there. Blind rage that died the moment his father had caught his bleeding act and then the question from where. Raphael was expecting an explosion as the silences wore on, his father's patience to snap, and his rage to roar forward. Yet, the silences extended and grew thicker as both waited for an explosion that wouldn't come.

A hand would touch his chin and Raphael would flinch from the touch.

"Why are you hurting yourself?"

His father's voice was calm and soft.

"I'm not hurting myself."

He only stated back.

"You are bleeding and you are not seeking medical attention. The absences of care is the same as causing harm."

Those words spoken with pure intentions. A lecture wrapped in concern, but a lecture all the same, broke him from his stupor. The red mask turtle laughed openly.

"Still a lecture, even when you don't understand …you lecture me. Even as my world fall apart, you lecture me. I am bleeding, and you lecture me. Fine. You want to know, father? You want to really know what is wrong with me?!"

"I will tell you, but after I do …I will leave and not come back.

And, You…you won't stop me … you won't want to stop me."

Raphael looked his father fully in the face then. For once he hid nothing, not one trace of emotion. Nothing, he was laid bare before him as he asked his father.

"Do you still want to know?"


	9. Chapter 9

**_How bad do you want it?_**

Master Splinter look into the face of his son. His ears would raise and fall as the question spun in his head. A thousands things to say, but this wasn't Leonardo whom would take his words as wisdom and seek to gain his approval even at the cost of his own self imagery. This wasn't Donatello, who he could use logic and reasoning to answer and perhaps challenge in such a way that he would solve the problem for him. Nor, Michelangelo, who he could simply distract from the trouble until he has a better answer than the one he had to give now. No, this was his red masked son. The one who challenge his authority, who followed his heart, who is easily sway by emotions, and stubborn to a fault. There would be no distracting him, and the words he spoke would be inspected and judged in the court of his heart. One wrong move, one wrong word, and he could lose him …forever.

Master Splinter was speechless as he stared at Raphael.

**_Are you willing to destroy everything for knowledge?_**

So quiet, but Raphael knew he had put a serious challenge on the floor. His father was concern for him, but, his concern couldn't make anything better. He couldn't help him. No one could, and bringing his secret to light would only achieve one thing….his complete and utter isolation and then …destruction. He knew, he knew it as surely as his skin was green. His fear, his defensive had all been built around this weak point, this secret, and like hell he would simply fold in the face of his first challenger. No matter who it was as he sat there and waited.

This was a battle of wills, and out of all his brothers.

Raphael knew, he was the best equipped to stand up to Master Splinter.

**_When the knowledge gain can save a life._**

This was a test.

Master Splinter knew it.

Yet, there was no way to prepare for it.

He would have to take a chance.

**_When the knowledge gain can lose a life._**

Raphael knew he was being unfair.

There was no win for Master Splinter in this.

No matter the answer, in his eyes, he would fail his son.

The only question is, what would be worst?

**_Would you risk it?_**

Master Splinter took a deep breathe. The moment was now, and Raphael could see it in his eyes as he open his mouth and spoke. The words tumbling out, were meant to sound wise, but, they came out almost as a whisper. Master Splinter loved his sons, equally and completely. He didn't want to run one away, and he couldn't ignore that he was hurting. There really was no choice, and Raphael knew it. Though he had to try. One last attempt, one last card thrown on the table, and then, it was over. He had lost …they had lost.

"Yes."

"Tell me my son, what is troubling you."

Raphael lower his head as the words were said. He knew this would be the answer, but it still hurt as he prepared to speak only to feel a finger press underneath his chin. Slowly, gently, it would strive to raise his eyes as he looks into the face of his father.

"You underestimate me, no matter what you say, I will not turn my back on you. I love you, Raphael, I am not sure what makes you mistrust me so, but nothing you say will change that. But, I can not sit idly by and watch you harm yourself …no matter what, I will not watch you be consume by darkness."

He says the words with an honest heart, but he doesn't know the secret. Not yet, and Raphael gives him a half heart smile.

"I wish things….were that simple."

Raphael response back as he pushes Master Splinter's hand away. There was no use in trying to hide it anymore. Yet, a secret hidden so long, it was hard to simply let it go.

"I killed someone …Master Splinter. No, not just someone, I killed your daughter. I did it out of fear, I did it out of disgust, and I tried to hide it for so long. But, it just wouldn't say hidden, she won't stay dead."

Master Splinter looks at his son, the pain on his face at those words. Confusion, fill him, but as Raphael continues, it clears up …as Master Splinter gently stood up. He would reach for the blanket carefully as he pulls it to the side. There is no resistances from his red mask son as his father's whiskers droop at the sight.

"I see."

"I could not have knowledge of her and still …let you continue to live."

Master Splinter reaches over for his son and hold him in his arms.

"Hai, sensei."

Raphael respond as he allowed the embrace.

They both knew, it will be for the last time.

This transgression could not be forgotten nor forgiven.

_**The secret was finally out.**_


	10. Chapter 10

It couldn't last forever, and with the end of the embrace …Master Splinter turn and left. Raphael watched him go with a breaking heart. The door shutting with a snap that echo a finality that could not be ignored. This was it, this was the end. A pain, a burning sensation had green fingers seeking the source. The prickling feeling behind glassy green eyes wasn't one that was familiar, but there was no mistaking it, as those same fingers came away wet.

Raphael was crying.

Everything …was ruin. The secret, it destroy everything, and there was no way to make it right again. There was only one thing left to do.

The hammock would swing freely as it was emptied.

The dark green turtle would clean up the blood. Then next, Raphael would move to purge the remaining gear. The red mask would come off first, elbow pads and knee pads would follow, then would be the wrist and leg bands and finally …the belt with the R on it. All of the gear would be set on the ground, and the emerald skin turtle would look at it. Green eyes wet with tears as for the first time in so long ..,the turtle stood completed naked to the world, but it wasn't over just yet.

The sais shone in the pale lighting of the room from its place on the floor.

It was like a silent plea to stop, but there was no stopping this time.

There was no going back.

Raphael would gather everything and then with one final glance at the room, it too would be disowned, as the door shut behind the turtle's shell.

No longer would this place be home.

Those steps to the living room, towards the dojo were harder than any the hothead had every experience. Muscles trembled, and the tears, they ran steadily without being put in check. Raphael couldn't say that it would be embarrassing if they were seen now. In fact, there was doubt that the turtle could drum up the will to even care as the items seem to gain in weight.

Master Splinter deserved these items back before ….before…

The turtle's mind refused to get to what would happen afterwards. A delay tactic that was simply useless, but, it was necessary. If the thoughts came, if they were inspected ….Raphael knew, there was no way that ….that …

The doors was suddenly in front.

All thoughts ground to a stop as one green hand would push it open, and a spark of betrayal flick in green eyes, that it open so easily. Though it only lasted for a moment, then the time that was dreaded was suddenly here. Suddenly nothing else mattered, and all that could have been …all that had been, didn't matter. Nothing but the here and the now, and the fact that those eyes were tear stain didn't even register. Nor that they would be visible in the dojo's lights, no …only one thought came to the forefront and capture all the attention.

It was all over.

Master Splinter sat on the floor, his legs crossed as his tail was curl around him. At first, it seemed as though this would simply be between them, but a sound of disbelief, and a suddenly inhaling of air made it clear it wasn't. The narrow world would widen as three other figures caught Raphael's attention, three turtle brothers.

Leo the closest to Master Splinter was standing next to the weapons, while his brother's Mikey and Donnie were sitting next to each other. It seem that everything was supposed to continue like normal, or maybe, Master Splinter thought that maybe foresight would have Raphael sneaking out instead of doing it formally. With everyone in the Dojo, it would have been easy to disappear, but that wasn't …that couldn't happen.

They would look, they wouldn't just let it go. It was better, it was a clean break, and so, Raphael set everything on the floor.

"I am leaving now, I …I quit the clan and this family."

If that sharp inhaling of breathe had seem loud before, it got much louder than. Imagination couldn't compare to the real thing as each of the three brothers looked onwards with pure shock on their faces. They didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do, and the silences stretched as Master Splinter only nods and gets up slowly to retrieve the gear.

They were even more shock by his acceptances of it, and maybe the double shock is what gave Leo's his voice. He would shout out loudly.

"What do you mean by quitting the family? You can't quit a family …hell, I don't think you can quit a clan only be disowned by it."

Those words hung as Master Splinter retrieve those things and look back at his eldest son.

"Raphael's choice is clear, and we will respect it, but …."

Master Splinter would turn to look at Raphael as the turtle seem to be paralyzed at that moment. The chance to flee had somehow pass by without the turtle's notice. Stuck, the words came like a lightning strike.

"…you must come clean to your brothers."

The words were spoken softly as Raphael could no longer look away. Green eyes showing terror, grief, but, they deserved the truth. They deserved a clean break.

"I have a secret ….a secret that I just told Master Splinter.

A secret that makes it impossible for me to be a part of this family, for me to be your brother.

I …I …I …am a girl."


	11. Chapter 11

**Raphael had played this out in his head a hundred times. The words they would spout, the taunting, the teasing, and then the eventually acceptances that would only be skin deep. They would never treat him the same again, he would lose his place amongst them. And that …that was something that hurt him ….no he had to start thinking of himself in his proper gender ….her. **

**They were so few …and now ….she had gone from one of four to being truly alone.**

**The dream had ended.**

**The laughter came first.**

Her brother's broke out laughing. Not that she blamed them, because, in their shells there is no way she would think they were telling the truth. After all, they played together, train together, eat, slept, and bath together. Yet, she doubt they could remember a time when she went to the bathroom in front of them. A time, where they saw her privates, and that was probably running in their heads even as they tried to play this off with their laughter. Hard laughter, that seem to still their breath as they fell against each other for support.

She knew this would happen, but still Raphael couldn't help balling up her fist. Her temper was starting to mount, until, it seemed they were able to catch their breath. The laugher abated for just a few seconds and then words were spoken, biting words. Words that would summon their laughter back as they pointed out her appearances. Words that blew away her anger, as it replace it with something harder to ignore ….harder to escape, insecurity and shame. Raphael would drop her eyes to the floor as her face started to feel hot and a sudden familiar sensation would tickle the back of her eyes.

She was crying again.

Tears stream down her face, unnoticed by her brothers, but not by her father.

A hard rap on the ground would bring the laughter to a sudden end, with Leo having to smack Mikey to completely end it, as they took in the anger in their master's eyes. All eyes were on their sensei as he held back a barely contain hiss. He had expected an outburst, but, the shaming …the laughter and the words. It had stun him, kept him quiet, until he had saw the tears.

It was enough to jar him to action.

"She isn't lying. Raphael is a Kunoichi."

"Come again?"

Mikey would blurt out.

The elder rat's eyes would become gentler.

"Your brother is in fact your sister."

"How is …how …how is this possible?" Donnie would turn back to look at Raphael. The tears running down his no …her mask less face would stop all questions and answers then as Leonardo would take over. A hand held out to caution his brothers as he walks over to his former brother. Head still down she didn't see him coming until his arms were thrown around her.

"Sorry."

A single word, but it stop the tears as she looks up at him. Green eyes that he suddenly saw the beauty in. Not masculine at all, but, gentle and all girl. It almost startled him, but he didn't let go as his brothers would move to join the hug as well.

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

Slowly emerald green hands would move to complete the circle of hugs as one arm went over the shoulder of Donnie, and the other was about mid-shell on Mikey.

"Sorry."

Raphael would reply.

The last sorry uttered, but it was as greatly received as the first.

A small smile was on Master Splinter's face as he saw his sons and daughter embrace.

"So," he hated to break up the moment, but it needed to be done. "Do you think you still need to leave, my daughter?"

Raphael's head would pop out of the group as the hug broke apart.

"You …you still want me here, even though I lied? I mean, as a family, we shouldn't keep such secrets from each other, and I kept this one for so long. I lied to everyone for so long."

Splinter shrugged.

"Everyone has their secrets, and being family doesn't make it any less so."

Raphael nods as he smiles a bit.

"Then yes, sensei, I wish to stay."

Master Splinter would nod.

"Then I guess, that leave a few more things to address."

He would point his staff at the mask and knee pads.

"Do you wish to keep your name and colors?"

Raphael didn't even think twice about it.

"Hai, sensei. I want nothing to change."

She said those words to her father first before glaring at her brothers.

"I mean nothing."

Mikey, Donnie, and Leo would instantly put their hands behind their backs as they answer in unison.

"Nope, nothing will change."

Master Splinter's whiskers would droop. He knew they were lying, that all three had their fingers cross, but, for now …he decided, it was best to deal with each obstacle …one at a time.

Raphael silently agreed, she would take what she could get ...for now.

(The end)


End file.
